In distant, dark places-
A factory, unbound-
The smog and hazy smoke
Call to us.
To breathe the smoke
Is disgraceful?
To breathe the smog
Is life.
The assembly lines pump
Toys, blood red,
Ancient and simple -
Dirty in all the right places.
Cheap and accessible -
Off the market.
The people and public
Do not want to play.
Yet factory workers talk,
Factory workers walk.
Factory word spreads,
And toys always win.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi.
I agree with silented1. There are some things that aren't explained. For the most part, however, I think you wrote well. You have a nice flow.
what !?
I did not understand that...why is the factory all messed up like ? why do the works talk ? what word are they spreading ? what are the toys winning ? why is the smoke bad but the smog good ? i mean smoke an smog are basicly the same thing right ? why don't the people want to play ? why is the fact that the toys are old significant ?
there are so many questions i have...thats not a good thing my good man...
you have some usless lines and not enough description... but this can be made into so many things...and be very very great...try relating the toys to something in life... like cars, or soldiers, or something...
best of luck my good man...
Pm me anything if you need me...i'd be happy to help you